Humor Navigating Commercial Landmines
By Lisa Barker
Jul 19, 2008, 22:23
I’m waiting for one of the kids to ask me what reptile
dysfunction is. There’s no escaping the ads on television. I imagine how the
talk will go so that I’m prepared:
“What's er-reptile dysfunction,
Momma?”
“It’s what happens when your frog can’t catch flies anymore. Or
when your chameleon can’t change colors. Or when your lizard can’t grow a tail.
Or when your iguana can’t....”
“Woman, what are you telling
them?”
“We’re talking about reptile dysfunction.”
“You're getting
your reptiles and amphibians confused.”
“Momma, what happens to
Geckos?”
“They get upstaged by whiney
cavemen.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry about them. They’re upstanding
amphibians, I think, very charming and polite. And they can save you a lot of
money.”
This is when I get ‘the look’ from one of my kids. The very same
look I expect to get when I am a great-grandmother and they park me in the
corner and send the great-grandbabies over to entertain me and I scare them by
popping my dentures out at them.
“Oh, look! Our show is back on.” We
settle back only to have our entertainment interrupted by more sponsors of
products for adults.
“Momma, what’s a tampon?”
“It’s a magic wand
that makes women wear white and dance around barefoot once a month.”
I
don’t know what’s worse. Advertising these products for the general public to
view—including children—or the brainless writers that actually think women dance
around in white clothes when they’re having Auntie Flo over for tea. There’s no
amount of anti-depressants, anti-water-retention, anti-crabbiness,
anti-bloating, anti-aching that’s going to make a woman wear white for such
occasions.
It’s like those commercials for women’s underwear where they
have about twenty women dancing around in their skivvies because they are so
happy with the fit. You’ll never see a commercial for men’s underwear done like
that. Men have standards.
I teach my kids to respect another’s privacy
and we’re all embarrassed to be caught in our underwear...but it’s okay to dance
around in them on television because you get money for that.
“Momma,
what’s herpes?”
“Uhhhhhhhh.” I can’t think of a good segue. What do I
tell a five-year old? It’s a sickness that the man has and the woman really,
really hopes she doesn’t have? Think, think, think...herpes, burpies...Slurpees!
“Hey, that reminds me! When’s the last time we had a
Slurpee?”
Phew! We don’t dwell on STDs too much. But soon a commercial
for Cialis runs.
“What’s ED?”
That again. “Er-reptile
dysfunction.”
“I don’t see any frogs or lizards. I just see two naked old
people in bathtubs.”
“The frogs are in the tubs.” Or are they toads? At
that age you get a little bumpy like a toad.
About
the Author(s) : Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Parent To Parent™ and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters. Here's all the info you need to publish Jelly Mom™: http://www.jellymom.com/editors-pubinfo.php
